Sometimes, I wonder if I do any good by loving people.

Because at some point, I leave their lives, but I set their expectations so high that they’re unlikely to find such selfless love again.

Isn’t it almost criminal, then, to love someone selflessly, to love them so deeply that they can never settle for anything less. Isn’t that just bringing more sadness into their lives by raising their bar so high that they’ll always be comparing and never truly satisfied.

Would it not be better, then, to never appear in their lives at all, so they wouldn’t have to deal with this.

On the positive side, the short-lived experience can help them set proper ideals and strive for genuine bonds, rather than falling into superficial relationships. But what about the frustration of trying to find that needle in the haystack again?

Is being so loving wrong because the one you cherished pure heartedly will never be able to move on, remembering your true love and shedding tears of sorrow..

Does that make “being yourself” an immoral act as well? I was afraid of commitment before, and this thinking only makes me more hesitant to form new connections.

I want to find a flaw in this reasoning, but I’m unable to do so at this moment.

One flaw I see is, not respecting the other person’s individuality, not letting them own their choices.

I think I should continue to hope that people have a sense of accountability. And that they won’t make you their sole source of happiness or the reason for all their problems.

Believing that someone isn’t capable of processing their emotions or taking an experience for what it is, preferring instead to live in the past, reveals just how deeply I’ve developed a fear of loving. I can credit my past for that.

I think I need to understand that it’s not my responsibility to take on every negative feeling the other person is experiencing. Trying to be nice and caring, I literally lost myself once. It would be foolish to repeat that mistake again, however bad it feels.

The conclusion is, I shouldn’t date immature people, no matter how pretty they are. I should exit faster from those who constantly guilt-trip me, knowingly or unknowingly. I must avoid falling for the covert contracts and the freebies at the beginning. I shouldn’t be a hopeless romantic, at least not in the beginning.

Because the worst feeling is seeing the cracks in the blind trust you had in your loved one. When you start questioning the reality of everything that was, as the cracks become more and more evident.

But what is love if there’s even a small amount of doubt in the other person? If there’s still a wall of protection left between us. I refuse to accept a love where ego remains, and trust is limited. Trusting her fully was my choice. Portraying transactional affection as selfless love was her decision. It doesn’t matter if it stemmed from her subconscious, she should be held responsible for allowing it to pass.

I used to think she was so out of my league and that I was lucky to have her. Lately, I’ve realized it was actually me who was way out of her league, treated as a medium to fulfill her needs for validation, affection, and achievement by association.

Every single realization hurts, but it’s good that it’s propelling me in the right direction. And I won’t be thankful to her this time. I’ve credited too many people for growth I achieved without their contributions. It’s still good to have gratitude here and there for the right things, but I remember this simple but thoughtful advice I recieved once, “What’ll you call red if not red!”