Mixed feelings overwhelm me as I land in Pune. Memories of my ex-girlfriend surface as I travel to my relatives’ home. Although we spent more time in Bangalore, Pune marks the beginning of our close bond. Nostalgia and sadness hit hard.

Recently, I find myself growing increasingly bitter towards her each passing day as I reevaluate moments from the past. What I once perceived as acts of love and care now seem more like manipulation and self-interest. The more I analyze these events, the more hurt, confusion, and disillusionment I feel.

I read somewhere recently, “Judge a woman by her actions, not her words,” and as I reflect on this, the truth becomes more apparent. I find myself questioning everything I once believed. As things become clearer, she no longer appears selfless and innocent. Many of her actions now seem to point to hidden intentions I hadn’t recognized before. Although I’ll never know the full truth and am no longer in a position to ask, the resurfacing wounds make me question if it was all worth it.

Yet, Pune brought back the sweet memories of our early days, and my heart softened for a while, as she slipped past the block zone into my thoughts. I wished to see her again and give her a soft hug, forgetting all the cheating and heartbreak. Despite everything, I felt grateful, for she was the one who initiated my growth into deep, meaningful relationships. She embraced me as I was and showed me love and affection I had never known. Never before had I been so close to anyone, not even family. For me, it was such a distinct and precious experience, and I’ll always be thankful to her for it. Someone wanted me, made me theirs, and that someone was also the one I cherished and loved deeply.

Now, as we drift further apart with each passing day, I’ve taken control of my life again. I am reinitiating the pursuit of my goals after a brief period of grief, loss, and healing. My personal growth, stunted during our two-year relationship, is finally starting to sprout again. The return to daily deep journaling is a good sign. So many things have changed, and for the better. I’m working on myself again and improving every day in every aspect, physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual.

Yet, the loss is physically painful. The unexpected memories made me feel nauseous and disoriented, as if the ground beneath me is shifting. But how can I forget all the hurt, the betrayal, the lies, and the deceit? Regardless of whether they were intentional or not, they were her choices, which I always took personally, as if wiping my face in front of a dirty mirror.

Despite all this, I still appreciate her for being the first stranger who cared for me. Shouldn’t I have a soft spot for her? Should I discard this gratitude, even with the realization that all her actions were, at best, self-serving?

It’s disheartening to realize that even her post-breakup struggle and intimacy, which lasted a while, was likely just her way of coping with guilt for not loving me the same, realizations of failing to replace me, and attempts to redeem herself by submitting to me. I naively never questioned her intentions while emotionally supporting her under the understanding of helping her move on.

Did she ever consider my feelings, or was she just acting on her whims, using me as she pleased? I carried on, never doubting her intentions because I loved her selflessly, blinded by my emotions and trust. Maybe that’s something I’m still proud of and yet learning from.

Now, I struggle to trust and to form new relationships. It seems I have stopped believing in the possibility of finding a fulfilling partnership. Each passing week, I find myself redefining my expectations from relationships.

Has anything good really come out of this? I question as I look forward to the future. And yet, I still miss her for once there was a time she truly appreciated and loved me.

I never expressed these post-breakup painful realizations to her, knowing nothing good would come from it except more regret and guilt for her. So I make sure all my emotions of anger, grief, confusion, disillusionment, and self-doubt remain contained within me, never reaching her. And if that’s not love, then I never truly loved her.