So, this year’s goal was to learn and practice meditation daily. I’ve always been curious about it, but I could never quite get it right. I’ve read articles, listened to audiobooks, and scrolled through countless subreddits, but without a clear goal or understanding, sitting idle often felt pointless, even with a natural inclination for it.

Searching for some guidance, I stumbled upon Vipassana meditation and had a memorable experience during the 10-day course. Sitting for 10 hours a day sounds intense, but it wasn’t so bad there. Sadly, I didn’t fully grasp the technique, hence this rant.

Here’s what I understood of Vipassana. We experience sensations, sometimes consciously, sometimes not. These sensations affect our minds, which are already shaped by past impressions. Mind is where the focus is. I picture the mind as an uneven sphere, with bumps and dips representing cravings and aversions. The smoother the surface, the calmer the mind. The goal is to free ourselves from cravings and aversions through meditation, by becoming more aware of our breath and subconscious selves. With this awareness, we can notice sensations on our body and remain neutral about them, preventing them from leaving lasting impressions on our minds. As we practice, we develop this ability to intercept sensations even outside of meditation. Over time, we eliminate existing cravings and aversions and stop new ones from forming.

But here’s the problem, While I understood intercepting sensations and remaining neutral, I couldn’t relate how it’ll help me tackle my internal struggles. They say to feel sensations on your head, arms, body, etc., but this requires intense focus. It felt more like an attachment to the sensations rather than letting go. I just couldn’t bridge the seemingly huge gap between developing awareness toward bodily sensations and it progressing to the awareness of feelings, emotions and fears arising from the subconscious.

Without full clarity, I drifted away from Vipassana. It wasn’t useless, but it wasn’t that effective for me.

Next, I came across Pranahuti guided meditation. It has some pseudoscientific elements and involves a trainer helping the student by transmitting “prana” to clear obstacles. Honestly, I haven’t felt any prana helping me yet, but I’m determined not to give up on meditation. So, I continue with two in-person sessions a week, hoping it’ll click someday.

Meditation isn’t completely ineffective. It does calm the mind, and the experiences are unique. I’ve had my share of lightness, expansion, seeing lights, etc., but it hasn’t met my expectations of being more than just a calming experience.

I could relate to Siddhartha’s criticism of Shramans in Hermann Hesse’s novel. He says meditation has become a distraction for them, just like material consumption distracts the masses. What different is a glass of wine to meditation then, if sedation is the goal.

I’m dissatisfied with the limited purpose and results of meditation as I see it. I always saw it as a path to salvation, a tool to overcome sorrows and limitations. But for me, conventional, rational thinking has always been a far superior tool for facing life, solving problems, and growing. I was ready to let go of thinking for meditation, but meditation’s limitations are forcing me back to my old ways.

An hour of calming the mind and avoiding deep thought feels inferior to an hour of deep contemplation and introspection. It’s a real challenge to continue meditating with this internal conflict.

Let’s see what happens if I keep at it.